A few weeks ago, I did something I haven’t done for more than three years. And before anyone makes a ‘smart Alec’ comment it wasn’t buying a round of drinks…
I accompanied the present Mrs Smith to the cinema. She has
something of a crush on Keanu Reeves so we went to see the latest instalment in
the John Wick series – John Wick 4. And so it was, we headed to the Odeon
Cinema in Edinburgh’s Fort Kinnaird. For the princely sum of £12.50 you are
offered debatable entertainment whereas at Tynecastle….
The film was exciting enough if you prefer your entertainment
to be fantasy stuff with realism light years away. I prefer films which are
realistic and with a storyline you can relate to. It’s fair to say that, with
the greatest respect, Mr Reeves wasn’t exactly overworked with learning his dialogue
for the film. He was more focussed on shooting, stabbing, strangling, and
blowing up villains.
It got me thinking though. As this is reputed to be the last
in the John Wick series (and the ending to John Wick 4 leads you to believe
this is the case) it might be something of a signing coup if Hearts were to
offer Mr Wick the opportunity to play in the SPFL Premiership. I envisage
contract negotiations between John Wick and manager Robbie Neilson to be along
the following lines…
RM: Welcome to Tynecastle, John. Would you like to sign for the
famous Heart of Midlothian?
JW: (after a considerable pause) Yeaaaah.
RM: That’s great, John. We’re looking for a hitman, someone
with great shooting ability who can fire accurately from either close or long
range.
JW nods silently.
RM: Correct me if I’m wrong but, as I live and breathe, although
you’re the man, the myth, the legend, you’re not very good at retiring. So how
about coming to Edinburgh, John?
JW: (after a considerable pause) Yeaaaah. Although I’m a
little rusty, I guess.
RM: Now, John, I realise there’s a $14m bounty on your head
and every interested party in the city wants a piece of it. But I reckon we can
negotiate.
JW: Not if you can’t spend it.
RM: Don’t worry, John. I think our benefactor has a few
dollars lying under his bed. I’m sure we can come to a civilised arrangement.
JW: Do I look civilised to you?
RM: (after a considerable pause) Yeaaaah.
JW: You’re stealing my line.
RM: Sorry, John. Right, I’ll get a contract drawn up.
JW: There’s already a contract out on me.
RM: Erm, aye, but this is a different kind of contract. We
want you to play for us next season and use your shooting ability to take us
closer to Celtic and Rangers.
JW: I get it.
RM: Great!
JW: Do you want a war or do you just wanna give me a gun?
RM: Erm, no war and no gun. Just a 12-month contract, a Hearts
strip, and a pair of football boots.
Non-Executive director James Anderson enters the room.
JW: Evening, Jimmy. Noise complaint?
JA: No, not a complaint. I’m getting a round of drinks in
and wondered if you wanted something. Consider this a professional courtesy.
JW: You’re stealing my line.
JA: Sorry, Mr Wick. Bourbon?
JW: (after a considerable pause) Bourbon.
RM: Great! I’ll get the media team to issue a press release.
John Wick signs a contract for Heart of Midlothian!
JW: Tell them all. Whoever comes, whoever it is, I’ll kill
them. I’ll kill them all.
RM: No need for that, John. You might get hit by a
suspension from the SPFL and we won’t want our hitman sitting in the stands,
will we?
JW: (after a considerable pause) I guess not.
RM: Great! We’ll get you fixed up with temporary
accommodation during your stay with us. You’ll be staying at The Continental.
JW: (after a considerable pause) Yeaaaah.
Coach Lee McCulloch bursts into the room.
LM: Boss, I’ve got some bad news. It’s about Lawrence
Shankland.
RM: (sighs) What is it? Has he been injured in training?
LM: Naw, boss. He’s just made off in John Wick’s car…
Twitter @Mike1874
John Wick? Never heard of him.
ReplyDeleteGo to the cinema, old fella!
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